MY FAREWELL CEREMONY

Today is my last day in SMK B??. The time has finally come for me to leave the school. The moment that I dreaded has finally arrived. This is the situation I expected since the beginning of the year when I was blacklisted by the principal just because I asked her to certify my certs for my PhD application. Because of my foolish mistake in asking her to certify the certs, I have been given a lot of extra work this year. She is probably too afraid that I would have the time to study for the PhD. Apart from sending me for the SPM invigilation during these holidays for the whole month she makes sure that I come back to school after the SPM invigilation for one day to be on duty. Even during the Hari Raya holidays in September she wanted me to come to school to be on duty for one day. Throughout the previous years those teachers who were sent for the SPM invigilation do not have to be on duty during the year end holidays. What's more - as if sending me for the SPM invigilation isn't enough she wanted me to come back to school during the days when I will be invigilating the SPM to settle certain things. In other schools, those teachers who could find a substitute for the SPM invigilation need not have to go. It's a voluntary job anyway. Other principals couldn't be bothered who is going as long as there is someone who is willing to go. But my present principal makes sure that I MUST go and she does not want the substitute teacher (a very nice and kind-hearted colleague who sympathizes with my plight) to go for me.

If the time machine really exists and I could go back to that day, the day I asked her to certify my certs, I would not have asked her. I shouldn't mention the word PhD in front of her. Just study and graduate quietly. That's what I should do. Then I don't have to leave the students that I love so much. Then I can retire in this school. That was what I intended to do all these years - to retire in this school. Our Prime Minister, Dato Seri Najib Tun Razak encourages more Malaysians to pursue their PhDs but does he know how much those who are doing their PhDs suffer? Now, I am paying the price because of my love for education. Since that day, the principal has been trying to look for my faults and weaknesses in everything that I do and if she could ever find any I am sure she would try her best to make life miserable for me. One example is clearly explained in the article "Oppression in a secondary school in Kuala Lumpur" (Just google this article and you will find it). The second one is on its way. That's why I started this blog - to let the whole world know what she is doing to me. And from her expression and behaviour today, I could sense that she is indeed doing something to bring about my downfall. What is her next tactic? I see it clearly now - to provoke me and another party so that we would fight each other. She purposely set fire to something which is so trivial. I am waiting to see what she is going to do and will be writing about this issue if she really does anything to me. Maybe everyone is curious to know who she is. One day, when I really couldn't stand it anymore, I would publish the name of the school in this blog. Now, I still prefer to remain anonymous. If I publish my name in this blog the whole world would know who the principal is. In withholding my name I am in a way also maintaining her anonymity. My photos may not appear too clear after shrinking but those who are close to me would know who I am. I don't dress up like this when I go to school and most of the time I prefer to tie up my hair.

In actual fact, there is no reason why I should leave the school. As what I said in my final speech today, the staffroom is very spacious and comfortable. I love my table. (My colleagues asked me to take the table home) The students in this school are little angels to me and as I said in my final speech today they cannot be found in another school. The school may be very far away but I have stayed on for nine years because of the students. I don't mind the distance. But circumstances just don't allow me to stay there anymore unless I want to invite my own suicide. Nine years - that's a very long time but my principal destroyed what I have built up these nine years. During the farewell ceremony when the students came to me to kiss and hug me one by one, I couldn't hold back my tears. I tried to smile but I started to cry instead. It was indeed a heart-rending ceremony. My students and I ... we were parted just like that - very reluctantly and unwillingly. But what else can I do? This is the best possible choice. The price of the PhD.

This is the most terrible year in my life. As I have said in my previous blog article, I have lost all sensations and feelings for this world - just staring blankly into the future thoughout this year. The saddest thing is I lost my students. I do not know if I can ever find students like them again. So innocent, well-mannered, a bit naughty perhaps but that's normal, very loving, and the girls especially like to manja-manja with me. An idea suddenly came into my mind recently. I wonder if I should take a few years off to do my PhD and then if it's still not too late perhaps I could apply for optional retirement and become a nun. Maybe going after the footsteps of Mother Teresa. Or perhaps I could go elsewhere to another part of the world as a missionary to help with the education of the less fortunate children. I used to be vey proud of my profession but after my prolonged suffering this year I am beginning to wonder if I have made the right choice in becoming a teacher. I do not deny the fact that I am suffering from emotional breakdown now after this year's suffering but I hope that time will heal me.

I do not know if Mr B, the chairman of the teachers' club, reads this blog but if he does I would like to thank him for the beautiful farewell ceremony that he organized for me and another five teachers today.

THE MOST DREADFUL YEAR IN MY LIFE

This is probbaly the most dreadful year that I have ever experienced in my life. I keep asking myself where is the happy girl whom I once was? Perhaps this happy girl does not exist anymore. In her place is someone who has totally lost all feelings and sensations for this world. I have finally discovered that I live completely without feelings now - just staring blankly into the future. Don't even know what I am doing. When I laugh it isn't really laughing and when I smile I am not really smiling. It is as though I am living from day to day just waiting for the time to pass. Normally, at this time of the year, I would be looking forward to celebrate Christmas and New Year. But even the thought of Christmas and New Year no longer has any significance to me now.

When I was first posted to this school, I was so proud of it that I went around telling everyone about my new posting. But now all I ever want is to go back to a primary school. Anyone here who can tell me what are the chances of me going back to teach in a primary school? Well, this is the only thing I ever want in my life now. Probably the only happiness that I can find. Did I make a mistake for pursuing a degree? Am I ruined by education? The answers seem to be in the affirmative. As what my colleagues said, "Penat, penat belajar kena potong gaji." (I studied so hard but got a pay cut instead.) Did I really get a promotion with my degree? If I were still teaching in a primary school with just my SPM cert my basic pay is higher than what I am getting now. What is the use of a PhD? Even with a PhD I would still be getting less than what a primary school teacher with only SPM qualification would get. Ridiculous, isn't it? Outsiders don't understand. They never will. Only those teachers who are in the same boat with me will understand.

I met a friend, Mr W, when we attended a course early this year. He has been teaching for nearly 20 years in a primary school before he was transferred to a secondary school. (The longer you teach in a primary school before you are transferred to a secondary school the more you have to lose.) He was my former classmate in UPM. He told me that he should have kept his degree quietly. I really pity him. He has been teaching longer than me. He told me that if he were still teaching in the primary school with only his SPM cert his basic pay would be about RM800 higher than what he is getting now. And he lost all his tuition allowance too. In a Chinese primary school every teacher can have a few hundred ringgit extra every month teaching tuition classes in the school. I used to take home about RM400-RM500 every month for the tuition classes alone. It does sound ridiculous that the primary school teachers who studied up to form five are getting a much higher basic pay than their contemporaries who have a master of education. No lies. I am a living example of this unfortunate victim. It seems that even NUTP couldn't do anything about this. I choose not to talk about it anymore- it's all too painful to talk about. I don't like to talk about unpleasant things. Just try to be happy and accept my fate. That's life. That was what I have been doing all these years knowing that the situation cannot be remedied. But what happened to me this year at school keep reminding me that I have made a terrible mistake ie I shouldn't have got that degree. I am filled with remorse now. If only I could have a second chance in life I will definitely NOT take up any degree programs. I only want to stay in a primary school and live happily ever after.